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After almost three decades of working with couples decimated by infidelity, I can tell you that men who cheat on a beloved wife or girlfriend can be amazingly creative when they try to explain why.

Sometimes cheating men tell me, and the women they love, that their behavior doesn’t really ] As a therapist, I find most of the reasons that cheating men use to justify their infidelity fascinating — because almost all of these reasons imply that cheating was the only logical solution to their relationship issues and other life problems.

He’s been in love with me since I was in my teens; he was my brother’s friend.

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I’m defining cheating as “stealing” – or as the dictionary says “swindling or defrauding.” Cheating involves lying, but it implies more than that. Perhaps they felt afraid to tell us about their natural needs and desires because of cultural shame, and fear that their most trusted, beloved partners would pile on more shame, or worse yet abandon them.

It implies taking something that belongs to someone else by trickery. You can’t steal something that already belonged to you. Because they don’t own you, or your body, or your sexuality. You can cheat someone out of their money by selling them a lemon of a car, you can cheat someone out of an inheritance by fine tuning the fine print, you can cheat someone in a game by giving someone fewer points than they earned, you can cheat someone at the grocery store by tipping the scales… Look, I’m not saying people are not free to make whatever agreements they want with their romantic partners. You’re signing over ownership of your body and sexuality to someone else, in some cases, for life. Just think about it before you informally consent to it and then someone starts calling you a cheater when you change your mind.

Wouldn’t any of those choices be better that lying, manipulating, and keeping important secrets from a woman you truly care about? So when confronted, they minimize, rationalize, and justify their behavior with statements like: .

From a psychotherapy perspective, denial is a series of internal lies and deceits people tell themselves to make their questionable behaviors seem OK (at least in their own mind).

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